For the last couple of days I’ve been trying to write exactly what I am feeling without making it about me. But I realize just how bad I’m failing mid sentence because I revert back to the overwhelming mixture of feelings I have been experiencing. I don’t want to act out based on emotions but this is an emotional time and its time to be vulnerable. Because raising Kason a beautiful black boy in America, has changed.
I am angry, sad, and disappointed with the world: with the people and the way people think and act. I am also so scared for my family, for my friends and for all of who I have gotten to interact with because this is just a scary situation. Marrying a black man I knew I would face some kinds of bumps because we have we get the usual stares the “oh why didn’t you marry your own kind” I personally don’t care about those remarks because I’m happy. But I never sat and thought about what he faced on a daily basis. He has faced some very stressful situations he works in area where people still follow and believe in the old way and his boss asked to be in his hotel at a certain time so he wouldn’t come across any problems. And its simply because he is black.
Now add having a black son to the mixture. Kason is the sweetest boy ever. He is compassionate even when kids pick on him because of that wild curly hair of his. Or when other kids refuse to play with him because his hair is the way it is. And even when all this happens I make sure to tell him that people can be mean but that doesn’t mean you have to be mean. I have installed in him to always be kind, polite and respectful. He always answers with a yes ma’am and yes sir. He is kind beyond measure.
Even recently I got asked why I was making it seem like all lives don’t matter. Or that my own latin, hispanic and Mexican brothers and sisters don’t deal with their own adversity. And I was confused for a few minutes because I have always been vocal about our own problems. I see them and I feel them personally but I also know my black sisters and brothers have stood by me and my causes and now its my turn to stand by them. And that is what I am doing.
I think we all as mothers imagine our kids growing up to be the happiest and the most carefree individuals. But that picture for me has a little stain on it a stain that I have not been able to remove for sometime. See my anger and disappointment started a few years ago. The murders of many before George Floyd were my starting point but George’s passing has hit a little different. I watched as the cop killed an innocent man, I saw the anger and I saw the intent. This was no accident and it was scary to witness.
Raising a black child is my scariest blessing because he’s mine and I know he’s good he has no bad bone in his body! But I know he won’t always be little he won’t always be that cute curly haired boy people compliment so much. And you might be asking yourself why are you even thinking that way? Well because this is my reality not just mine but other mothers as well. We fear time. We fear what others might see because it might not be the right depiction of our children. Their is no age limit Tamir was only 12 remember? People just see color and stereotypes and thats the sad truth.
And yes my son is biracial but he is black he is a black boy. Everywhere we go that is what everyone sees a black boy.
You guys see a beautiful curly haired boy now, but what will you guys see in a couple of years. Will you still see him as that beautiful curly haired boy? Or will he now be just a young black boy/man? That somehow intimidates you.
I will continue to do my best to raise my child to be the best person he can be for himself and for society. I will continue to encourage him to love the color of his skin and his culture because it is beautiful, but to also respect others culture and background. He will be continue to be respectful and polite to everyone. He will always be on his best behavior. But while my husband and I continue to do everything we can to raise our son can you please raise yours to not see my child’s or other little black boys and girls skin color as a threat?
I may not be black but I see you and I am with you! My heart and prayers go out to every parent raising beautiful black boys. And especially to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one due to gun violence or police brutality. I may not fully understand your walk as and African American but please know that I will forever stand by you my sister and brother! Your life and your children’s life matter!
“Black boys became criminalize I was in constant dread for their lives, because they were targets everywhere. They still are” -Toni Morrison